When I get blue, which is happening a bit more often lately, I try to take stock of what I have accomplished. The list of things I have not accomplished would fill Yankee Stadium but there are simple things that have yet to come into my grasp and it makes me doubt myself in such a way as to undermine my motivation. So because of this - and call it what you will, ego trip, a crowing spree, I don't care - I am making the comparison of what I was and what I have become.
A co-worker recently told me that the before picture does not even look like a distant relative, let alone my former self. What's interesting about the photo is that you can see the lost, frightened look in that girl's eyes. The after photo is the countenance of a girl who is not necessarily frightened but who no longer gives a hoot what people think and to no longer give a hoot takes confidence.
Again, maybe a sort of midlife crisis has brought me to this point where I am entering my second childhood. To commemorate my 40th birthday I went out to Brooklyn, NY and treated myself to a tattoo on my back. This was not a rash decision but one I thought over 10 years ago when I was only half as thin as I am now. But now I have a back worthy of some artwork and I hope the artwork is part of my motivation to keep my body this way. It's my focus right now until some of those simple things I have missed out on come along. Until then, whenever I am in doubt or gloomy or feel as if I'm "stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it" I will look at my old driver's license and say, "I am better than that and I deserve whatever my heart desires." I just have to learn to say it without crying. As with everything, a work in progress...
And if your way should falter along this stony pass, it's just a moment. This time will pass... - U2
