The Silly Season

Alot of people have problems, especially during the silly season. - Lethal Weapon

There's alot of things to be thankful for during this silly season. There should be no looking on the other side of the fence for greener grass. However, if anyone ever says to you, Why can't you do that? or How did she lose all that weight? Keep in mind that at this point in time, there is nothing else. There is no family of my own to take care of. There are no children to wake up and get to school. There is no husband or other half to spend time with. It is me, my body and I. I can take an hour to myself every morning. I can take pilates classes a few times each week. I have absolutely no excuse why I can't stay this way unless I slip into a deep depression whilst sitting in front of the TV with a bag of miniature Reeses Peanut butter cups as I used to in my adolescent years. So if anyone asks you, "hey what about you?", warn them not to go there.

Today was a mirror of those times - the jumbo bag of Skittles and a large bar of Kit Kats in the movie theater. But now I pick myself up and dust myself off and remember to be a little more mindful. What I have to remember, even as I have to fight back tears, is that my grass may not be greener but at least it is my grass. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Compare and Contrast

When I get blue, which is happening a bit more often lately, I try to take stock of what I have accomplished. The list of things I have not accomplished would fill Yankee Stadium but there are simple things that have yet to come into my grasp and it makes me doubt myself in such a way as to undermine my motivation. So because of this - and call it what you will, ego trip, a crowing spree, I don't care - I am making the comparison of what I was and what I have become.

A co-worker recently told me that the before picture does not even look like a distant relative, let alone my former self. What's interesting about the photo is that you can see the lost, frightened look in that girl's eyes. The after photo is the countenance of a girl who is not necessarily frightened but who no longer gives a hoot what people think and to no longer give a hoot takes confidence.

Again, maybe a sort of midlife crisis has brought me to this point where I am entering my second childhood. To commemorate my 40th birthday I went out to Brooklyn, NY and treated myself to a tattoo on my back. This was not a rash decision but one I thought over 10 years ago when I was only half as thin as I am now. But now I have a back worthy of some artwork and I hope the artwork is part of my motivation to keep my body this way. It's my focus right now until some of those simple things I have missed out on come along. Until then, whenever I am in doubt or gloomy or feel as if I'm "stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it" I will look at my old driver's license and say, "I am better than that and I deserve whatever my heart desires." I just have to learn to say it without crying. As with everything, a work in progress...

And if your way should falter along this stony pass, it's just a moment. This time will pass... - U2

The change to Autumn

It's always been my most favorite time of the year. I get a hopeful feeling even as the leaves start to change and die. My favorite holiday, Halloween, is coming up. My sense of expectancy is heightened even as I remember not to expect much. Life is less heartbreaking that way.

As for change, I am trying to do so myself. I need to find a way to maintain my weight. Do I run less? Do I eat more? I would rather do neither but I am at the edge of that slippery slope called obsession. More than one person has noted that my ribs might be a bit too prominent. Perhaps I'll be a skeleton for Halloween.

There have been lots of changes in the past few years - a new teaching career and a new slim body. There's only one thing that's missing - a new life. Perhaps it's just around the corner or in the October pumpkin patch. I try hard to keep in mind that there is more to life than changing your body but for right now it's enough and, wow, it's amazing how it changes when you try hard enough.

And for the record, 95 lbs. What a change a year and a half makes!

The Fight for the Flat Tummy vs. The Fight against the Midlife Crisis

In the days leading up to my 40th birthday, I find it difficult not to look back and realize all the things I have not done - serious and basic life choices that may not come this way. In juxtaposition to this I am on my continual fight to flatten my stomach.

Unfortunately one issue might have something to do with the other. Due to my age, the skin does not rebound quite as quickly as it would have, say, 10 years ago. There's hardly any weight to lose only skin to tighten. But what then? Does that make me prettier or smarter? Will I have that "look at me" quality that I never had at any time in my earlier life but always wanted? I know what you are about to say. It's all about attitude. It's about how you see yourself. I never realized I really needed to be thin in order to feel good about myself. Had I known I would have shedded the 90+ lbs years ago, because-and make no mistake about this-it does matter. We are perceived by our appearance and in my case it is how I perceived myself as well. And we are also perceived by our attitude and losing weight improves our attitude.

I suppose you could say this particular post is a moment of weakness, a pity party for all those things that just never came my way. But who is to say it's still not possible? "What is meant for you will not get past you." I hope I am meant for great things. Looking back on the past 18 months, I know I am capable of them. We all are. And as a friend said recently, "you have to believe it, to see it."

The Belmar 5

May and June got past me without so much as a "hello" and "goodbye". Now all of a sudden I have my first summer race. I was extremely disappointed to be shut out of the Spring Lake 5 in May but those things happen. The Belmar 5 is tomorrow - a circuitous 5 mile route including 2 miles of beachfront.

I'm hoping the weather stays wet instead of reverting back to the hazy hot and humid disaster that was today. Tomorrow the weather will dictate whether I will be sliding into that 5th mile easily or with stones in my sneakers. But once again, the only one I will ever compete with is myself. Stepping across the finish line and not falling face first in the gutter is a sure sign of victory for me.

It's amazing how, as long as you keep moving, things start to fall into place and suddenly you are not the same person you were 18 months ago. A regular on the boardwalk was riding her bike with the former mayor of our town and as we passed she said to him, "You see that girl. She is half the size she was a year ago." Funny stories like that pop up all the time. People don't recognize me. Now the plan is to enjoy what I have achieved and have fun maintaining it. Examples: more road races, more pilates classes where my instructor makes me laugh while I suck in my tummy - the true test of concentration and discipline.

As for music tomorrow, I am relying on my little pink shuffle to get me through the 50 some odd minutes with random tunes....and the beat goes on....

Just as a matter of record the numbers are 90 lbs and 7 pant sizes. And this coming from one of the most lazy women you are ever likely to meet who would never have thought she could make it this far. To quote "Fried Green Tomatoes", "Don't say 'never' to me."

Feeling your pulse and where to go from here...

It's so very difficult to get comfortable in your own skin. I have never in my entire life felt at ease in mine. It's the whole idea of having little conception of how far you have come.

My epiphany came when I spoke to a co-worker about clothing. I don't consider myself thin. I have never been thin in my adult life, so why would I ever think that would change? In any case, my co-worker asked me what size my pants were. I told her they were a size 4 (Eddie Bauer & Loft pants run fairly large). She answered that she was wearing a size 4. "But you're really thin!" I told her. She replied, "well, duh, so are you." That was the moment I realized how far I had come. I looked at my co-worker and said to myself, "wow, I really look like that?" I've been looking at myself in a different way ever since.

That doesn't even get into the whole physiological side of things. I'm just faster, my arms and legs are thinner, I'm less tired, I can actually feel my pulse because there's no adipose tissue to get in the way.

But the question is, where do I go from here? I have actually dropped another pants size. In some stores I am now a 2. I've been told from many fronts to stop losing weight - "that's enough! No more."

So what's the answer? More pilates? Flattening out this belly sounds like the ongoing order of business. Where do you go once you reached the mountain top? It's a tricky question...Life is all about finding that next project and the next destination...

the cakewalk

So much has happened since I last ran this race (*see March 26, 2010 posting) - 50 lbs and several hundred miles are only a few of them. I'm a wee bit nervous, can't get to sleep and I am therefore logging in to release some of this energy. The almond macaroons I just ate are probably not helping the situation.

In the meantime...let me give you my running playlist for tomorrow. The last time I ran this race, it was in 43:46. i hope this will insure that tomorrow will indeed be a half hour cakewalk...

1. Listen to the Music - The Doobie Brothers - something to get started - a lesson to everybody - you have to listen to the
music.
2. Original of the Species - U2 - the sentiment is what gets you going with this song
3. Solitary Man - Neil Diamond - I discovered this song about 10 years ago by the newly inducted Hall of Famer
4. Gone (New Mix) - U2 - something that gets my arse moving - Goodbye, you can keep this suit of lights...I'm not coming
down...
5.Just Dance - Lady Gaga - Go! Use your muscle, carve it out, work it, hustle, Don't slow! Drive it, clean it, lights out, bleed it
Spend the lasto, In your pocko - there it is...in those lyrics
6. Alejandro - Lady Gaga - Another good one to get the blood pumpin'
7. Hold On - KT Tunstall - this a great pacer song- Hold on to what you've been given lately...
8. Never Forget You - Noisettes - Great beat for a run
9. Raise Your Glass - P!nk - an awesome feel good song, another one to get the butt in gear. WE WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT LOUD AND NITTY GRITTY DIRTY LITTLE FREAKS - I suppose there's the sentiment right there...

The last of the belly rolls...

Belly rolls...it sounds too much like jelly rolls, doesn't it? Leave it to me to find the food angle. In any case, I am hearing such conflicting reports that my head is beginning to hurt. Between "that's enough now" and "well you still have a bit of pudge there" it really is hard to keep a focus on the reality of the situation. The answer came from a surprising source. This person said, "It's your body. You have to be happy with it. To hell with anyone else's opinion."

So am I happy with it? I am inches away from sheer joy. Do I care what people think? I'm quickly learning not to. However, a year ago my answer would have been quite different. I have therefore made a huge step in the right direction.

In order to rid myself of the last of the belly rolls, I am running to the next town again (5 miles). My pilates instructor is leaving my local gym - a sad setback but she is at the local studio. I will have to compensate somehow. Dare I actually practice my pilates at home? If I want that paisley bikini to fit the way I want, the answer must be "yes, I dare."

The road race season starts for me next weekend with the April Fool's 5k Run. I love being able to walk from my house to the starting line. Last year I did it in 42 minutes and change. This year, if I don't average a 10 minute mile I will be extremely grumpy. Stay tuned!

Hey Slim!

February just rolled right past me but that's not to say I didn't get things done. I'm into a size 4 skirt. It's interesting when you get into those last 10 or 15 lbs (which for me is all belly) because there's not much left to lose and the sizes drop faster.

In spite of the fact that people say, "OK you can stop now" There is no stopping and that's what a lot of people don't understand. I will try to be doing this until they carry me out feet first. It needs to be for life - temporary will not do.

Spring is starting to rear its sweet little head and on the off days when the temperature does break 45 I strip a few layers. There is an elderly man who is on the boardwalk everyday ahead of me at 6am for the past year. He has witnessed my transformation first hand. Last week he said, "I'm gonna have to start calling you 'Slim'"

I'm gonna try to run 4 miles tomorrow although the weather has been called for 25 degrees tomorrow morning. Time to step it up and get ready for the Fool's Run and the Spring Lake 5...Lots of good stuff going on - you should try it. Like i say, if I can do it, anyone can!

The Bikini Countdown

Well, I actually posted it on my Facebook page so I might as well talk abou it here. Who's to see? It all started a few months ago,. I haven't worn a bikini since I was 5 years old - pink polka dots. That was the last time I could fit into one. I have gathered so much momentum in my weight loss that I thought I might go to the next level and get my fairly well reduced tummy into the kind of shape needed to fit into a bikini. So pilates twice a week. Yoga once a week. Running 7 times a week. It's called momentum: first pounds, then inches, then peace of mind in knowing what you are capable of, which is practically anything. It's strangely empowering to know that it isn't a cliche: you can do anything you set you're mind to. It makes you wonder what else you can accomplish.
There's this little red bikini on the Land's End website. I bought a size 10. There is still a ways to go to firm up the tummy but I think by april, may, june...i should be in fairly good shape...Spring will take me outside more, running further than I am. Keep your fingers crossed...

Into the New Year...

There's a lot of water under the bridge. I started this blog over a year ago and am pleasantly surprised at how well I have kept up with both the blog and my attempts to physically improve myself. Winter has slowed me down somewhat. 3 miles a day is basically my average. It's rough out there but the weather is only temporary; my desire to run is not. In addition I am down another pant size. This has more to do with my running than any dieting I might be doing because I am not dieting. Eating chocolate marshmallow ice cream and Skittles can not possible be considered a well balanced diet.

The new year also marks the start of my pilates classes which I have started at the local Work Out World. Basically I go there strictly for the classes. It pays for itself. You figure $15-$20 per class twice a week where I am paying $22 per month. I'm getting my money's worth and so is "my powerhouse". With any luck, my tummy will be looking quite different in 6 months.

I have also made another New Year's resolution which I will not divulge here. If I achieve my goal, then perhaps you'll hear about it but until then...